New Orleans, LA
July 21, 2008
*Updated* July 23, 2008

Hoping to avoid another fiasco like the one that followed in the wake of Hurricane Katrina in 2005, Heineken®, and other high-end brewers announced today that they will be rushing extra stocks of their expensive suds to the New Orleans area "just in case" Tropical Storm Hurricane Dolly becomes a devasting, city-smashing, Biblical Catastrophe, as hoped.

Company spokesman, Dr. Pap van Shmeer, vowed not to "be caught flat-footed this time" like the disaster that befell the city in 2005, when stocks of Heineken, and other alcoholic beverages were "completely looted to the last bottle", causing much embarrassment to company officials.
 
He continued, "We Dutch are a tolerant and diverse society, and we wouldn't want to be percieved as racist bigots, like George W. Bush. To this end we are making sure that there is plenty of our fine product on hand for your oppressed minorities to 'loot', while still maintaining enough stock for your typical white trailer trash to 'find'."

Asked if this announcement had anything to do with the company's much ballyhooed roll-out of its new product, 'Heineken Chocolate™', Dr. van Shmeer demurred, saying, "It's an absolute coincidence that more than half of the rush shipments to New Orleans consist of the new brew", adding, somewhat sheepishly, "but from a practical standpoint, these things have to be test-marketed somehow. If 'Heineken Chocolate' just happens to get looted-out first, well, then we'll know we have a winner". 

Local residents are, "keeping our fingers crossed", according to Heineken Guy (pictured above), who became an instant international celebrity after Katrina, and expressed hopes that Tropical Storm Hurricane Dolly, "get off its ass and do sumpin' quick."

Heineken Guy, who recently announced his candidacy for Mayor of New Orleans, added that, "Mother Nature need to 'stir-up some s**t' and help put New Orleans back on the map. We dyin' down here".

      

Fox 12 News
UPDATED: 10:31 pm PDT July 19, 2008

CANBY, Ore. -- A rash of accidents led emergency workers to warn parents Saturday about children falling from windows. In less than two weeks, five children in the Portland-Salem area have fallen out of second-story windows.

Three of those incidents happened in Canby. Fire officials said 2-year-old Ramone Gonzales fell head-first onto a concrete patio after he pushed too hard on a window screen of his family's Canby home. Family members called 911 and then began to drive him to a hospital in a panic. (Ed. Note: My first car was a '74 Panic - a real piece of crap - they should have waited for the ambulance)  

In another Canby incident, 3-year-old Ryan French also pushed too hard on a window screen and fell from the home's second-floor window. "It's just a freak thing; nobody's fault," said Steve French, Ryan's father. (Well, thanks for that unbiased opinion, Mr. Father of the Year. I guess you didn't get the memo about the other kids down the block taking "the plunge"?) 

"Ryan wasn't doing anything he wasn't supposed to be doing, (other than attempting to commit babycide), (he was) just curious." Steve French said his son was watching landscapers in his back yard. A chair broke the boy's fall.
                                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, thank god a chair broke his fall instead of, say, a rock, or a garden rake, or a red-hot freaking Bar-B-Que! Sheesh! I don't even like babies --- just the sight of them makes me want to hit them with a stick --- but even they deserve a little more parental 'maintenance' than is being shown around here lately.

Not too much, though. Those "uber parent" types make me think bad thoughts and want to do bad things. I'll just leave it at that.

And in all fairness, the way the newer window screens are attached to the frames is just an accident waiting to happen. Especially with little Demons from Hell! darling babies around. Even our cat has gotten out of our bedroom window. Twice. Then I figured out how to fix it. If any of you guys want a slightly used set of Lawn Darts®, they're yours*. I can't have them anymore. The vet bills for the cat are killing me.    

Oh, and the headline? I just wanted to be the first to blame this on Teh Warmeenz™. You know somebody else is going to, if they haven't already. And if the government ever gets ahold of this? They'll probably outlaw two-story houses in order to prevent this from ever happening again.

*(While supplies last. Not suitable for children under 6-mos, or really retarded adults.)

There's something to be said about this voting bloc. I'm not sure what it is, but there has to be something.


'No Values Voters' Looking To Support Most Evil Candidate

(Editor's note: This is a little "scold" of Neil Young for his decision to tear apart his 1959 Lincoln MK IV Continental Convertible, and turn it into an electric car. The online version of this article includes the appropriate video links.)   

Neil, Neil, Neil, Neil, Neil! I love you, man, but what's up with this Hot Rod Lincoln Electric Rocketship horseshit? Is your brain really that fried? You didn't take the Brown Acid again, did you? Uh-oh!

I'm not knocking you for trying to "Save the Planet" (whether it needs it or not). Everybody needs a hobby, I guess... especially us old farts. But it's just kinda sad to see some gray-haired old fogey posing for the Braindead Generation in order to look, like, cool and hip, man.



I mean, if you're just doing it for the chicks, I totally understand. But it's still not too late to grow old gracefully. And by the looks of you, I wouldn't put it off much longer.

If there's a Don Quixote Award© for tilting at windmills, I hereby nominate you for it: Ta-Da! There, you're nominated. 

In the meantime, just restore the goddamn car and enjoy it for what it is: A beautiful piece of Americana, the likes of which we'll never see again. 

You said yourself that you consider the car to be Art. If that's true, shouldn't you respect it for that instead of defiling it and ripping it to shreds on the altar of this wacky pop-tart religion of Gorebalism™ --- and then corn-cobbing it back together merely for the attention-whoring value? 

And people said the Incas and the Aztecs were primitive savages. Oy veh! I'm very, very disappointed in you, Neil.   

But lets set all of that aside, for the moment, and take a closer look at this fool's errand you've gotten yourself into... 

I mean, dood! There was this guy named Newton, and he invented gravity when an apple fell on his head, or something like that. In addition, Newton came up with a bunch of physical laws. Laws of motion, thermodynamics... you know, deep, heavy shit, man. He also made some really bitchin' cookies in his spare time.

Actually, Newton just observed nature and figured out the laws that were already governing it, and why, and one of those laws clearly states: Attention Neil Young: There ain't no fucking way that you're going to get 100mpg and zero-to-60 times of six seconds out of that Lincoln, man. No. Fucking. Way.

That's what Newton actually said, man! I think it's buried somewhere towards the back of his best-selling book, Principia Mathematica. 

Other than a few actual scientists, nobody's ever read that part before because, let's face it, the book isn't exactly a bodice-ripping page-turner. Even the pictures in it are boring. 

Still, it's in there. Go read the whole thing, then get back to me and tell me I'm wrong. I dare you.



This second video is what I really hate about this shit. A TV news article showing some Gen-X bozo installing hamster cages where a HUGE, proud, romping stomping American V-8 used to live. That's just fucking sad.

Even the news bunnies in that clip make me want to hurl. "Wow! What a story!" and "Isn't that incredible?" No, it's not "incredible", it's a fucking crime! Those people should be taken outside and shot.

You see, Neil, you're still a role model for a lot of stoners, and even some sober people. They look up to you, man. And when they see you doing this crap on their TV, they want to do it too!  

And that's just not right. Let them have their annoying little rice-burners to play around with all they want, but leave our National Treasures™ alone!

Neil, it's your car and you can do whatever you want to with it. And I'm sorry if any of this is harshing your mellow, man, but somebody really, really had to tell you what a travesty this is. 

Remember that song, "Long May You Run"? I forget who it's by, but maybe you could look it up and go listen to it. Again.

DISCLAIMER: NONE OF THIS IS TRUE. I MADE IT ALL UP. ALMOST. I WAS JUST MAKING FUN OF THIS POST-MULLETHEAD SNAKE OIL SALESMAN.

For Immediate Release ---

Oregon musician vies for $10M Automotive X-Prize©

Portland, OR USA
July 4, 2008

Since the $10 million X Prize for civilian space travel has already been won by Burt Ruttan in his amazing SpaceShipOne, local musician Hog Whitman has decided to set his sights instead on the automotive version of the prize in his 'stock' 1999 Lincoln Town Car.

Whitman admits to making 'slight' modifications to his behemoth icon of automotive excess, but he claims it's "pretty much stock" otherwise, "including the gimpy front ball joints that it came with from the factory".

As Whitman puts it: "The Automotive X-Prize was established to promote research for technological advances into fuel efficiency of consumer vehicles in order to reduce carbon-renewable fossil consumption, while clamping the 
emanations from the global warming greenhouse gas footprint in the sustainable atmosphere, and stuff."

Strict guidelines have been set out to govern the competition. Some of these include:

• Capacity: 4 or more passengers (95th percentile adult male) and 10 cubic feet of useful cargo space

• Wheels: 4 or more wheels

• Performance: 0-60 mph acceleration in less than 12 seconds, minimum top speed 100 mph, minimum range 200 miles

Whitman chuckles at the capacity requirements, saying, "Heck, I can easily meet those and still have enough room left in the trunk to fit my bass player and drummer, along with all their gear! Of course, The Hoglettes will still be riding up front with me".

When questioned about how he plans to meet the minimum 100 mpge requirement to win the prize, Whitman says, "Electronics mostly. It all started with an idea my grandfather had back in WW II. He was always trying to improve things and times were tough back then like they are today, what with the American people, and the economy and stuff, you know?"

He continues, somberly, "It wasn't till he was on his deathbed that Grandpa shared his secret with me when he motioned me over to his bed, and he weakly tapped the wristwatch that his grandfather had given to him in WW I, and when he looked back at me and nodded, well, I knew what I had to do.

"After that he... well, he sold me that watch. I remember because I paid him with a bad check".

Whitman says that he's currently seeking sponsorship money for the project, and hopes to soon land a large donor/partner, "Like, say, a big radio station or something".

In the meantime, he says, "The best way to help sponsor the project now is at a grassroots level by buying my new CD at CDBaby.com where you can also get the whole album as an Environmentally Friendly MP3 Download for only $5.00". 

I've avoided it for as long as I could. I mean, I don't even like politics. But family, friends, fans, and even my bartender (and former parole officer) have nagged me, and practically begged me to run for POTUS (that's President of the United States, for all you peasants).

It's to the point where I can no longer say no. They tell me it's my civic duty... whatever that's supposed to mean. Hell, I don't even report for jury duty unless a nice man with a shiny badge and a big gun forces me to, and even then I weasel out of it somehow. (knock on wood) 

They tell me they've lost hope in change. They say they're tired of moving America forward. Or backwards. Or upsy-downsy. And they tell me they want me, because I'm the only guy they can trust to just sit on my ass and do absolutely nothing for as many years as it takes. Like Eisenhower. 

Personally, I think they're just trying to get rid of me, but I can deal with that. Besides, I hear the benefits are pretty good. 

And so, my fellow Americans, I give you the next President of the United States: Me!

 
(refresh page to play again)

Relax. It's a joke.

To paraphrase the late General William Tecumseh Sherman, and AZ Representative Mo Udall:

"If drafted, I will refuse. If nominated, I will run... to Mexico. If elected, I will fight... extradition!"

Silly, I know. But at least it's short.

Hey girls! Have you ever gotten so stinking drunk that you took home some schlub who looked good at the time, but not so much in the morning? I never have, of course, but I've heard it can happen.

So, how do you get rid of them in the morning? I mean really get rid of them so that they never come back, never call, and never even tell their friends about their "conquest"?

Glad you asked...

Poor Polar Bears! When mankind is constantly trying to massacre them one way or the other, how can they possibly survive? I mean, if we're not shooting them, we're drowning them. Or we're boiling them, and stuff. Or we're forcing them to commute to work. How they've ever managed to weather mankind's cruel onslaught is beyond me.*  

Well, here's a pitiful scene of one poor little guy doing what he can to beat the heatwave that Big Evil Corporations™ (and Republicans!) have invented just to make them (and us) suffer.

You go little Polar Bear! We're pulling for you!



*(For some strange reason, the Canadian Department of Polar Bears [or whatever they're calling themselves this week] keeps telling us that the polar bear population has increased from about 10,000 in 1960 to 25,000 today. They're obviously being paid to say that  by Halliburton, or Dick Cheney, or Big Oil. Personally, I blame Bush!)

That's what my biggest (and scariest!) fan seems to be saying.

And that's what the "experts" are saying too. Truth is: they're probably right. Music industry figures show physical CD sales declining by 13% last year while digital sales increased 34% (all figures approximate).

At that rate, MP3 sales should outpace CD's in 5 years or less. Probably less, and that's  not taking any future technology into account. 
 
I doubt that flash drives or SD cards will be the latest, greatest thing (in regards to music), but I've been wrong before...once. Okay, twice  three times constantly.             

That's not to say that there's no further use for CD's, as my handsome young fan clearly demonstrates. 

Note the iPod© in his left hand (pay no attention to the AK-47 in the other... for now). My guess is that he's already downloaded all his favorite Hog Whitman tunes from the CD, but rather than throwing the disc away after that, he's given it new life by utilizing it as a fashion accessory. Clever lad.
 
Besides, it's probably easier to listen to your iPOD©, while doing battle with your enemies, than it is toting some heavy, clunky old CD player around. And even the non-skip sports models probably skip when you're cranking-off 30-round clips of 7.62 ammo into your neighbors and then hacking them to bits, or what have you. 

Now here comes the thinly-disguised sales pitch: The physical distributor of my CD's, CDBaby, has started its own download service. They've been partnered with iTunes™, and several others, for a few years now (and still are), but they have to follow the respective pricing policys of those companies.

For instance, iTunes™ charges $9.99 per album, or 99¢ per track. All the others are about the same. With CDBaby, each individual artist (or in my case, "content provider"... heh) can set their own price.

As a test, I've just set the MP3 price of my entire album at $5.00 (individual tracks not available). What I need want you to do now, besides buying one for yourself, of course, is to tell all your friends about it.* At these low LOW prices, this offer can't last for long! Here's the details of CDBaby's MP3 policy.  And my CDBaby page. Remember: This is only a test, so get 'em while they're still hot  pee-warm room temperature.

I should also mention that this digital album is environmentally friendly, and it will help you to reduce-the-shit out of your carbon footprint, eliminating bad Joo-Joo, while also easing redness and swelling, or your money back! Now what CD comes with a warranty like that ?

Well neighbors, that's it for me (for now). Thanks everybody! And special thanks to my new friend up there!
 

*(If you don't have any friends, tell your enemies. Maybe they'll become your friends after that. Or maybe they'll empty their AK-47's in your ass. You can never tell.)