New Orleans, LAJuly 21, 2008*Updated* July 23, 2008
Hoping to avoid another fiasco like the one that followed in the wake of Hurricane Katrina in 2005, Heineken®, and other high-end brewers announced today that they will be rushing extra stocks of their expensive suds to the New Orleans area "just in case" Tropical Storm Hurricane Dolly becomes a devasting, city-smashing, Biblical Catastrophe, as hoped.
Company spokesman, Dr. Pap van Shmeer, vowed not to "be caught flat-footed this time" like the disaster that befell the city in 2005, when stocks of Heineken, and other alcoholic beverages were "completely looted to the last bottle", causing much embarrassment to company officials.
He continued, "We Dutch are a tolerant and diverse society, and we wouldn't want to be percieved as racist bigots, like George W. Bush. To this end we are making sure that there is plenty of our fine product on hand for your oppressed minorities to 'loot', while still maintaining enough stock for your typical white trailer trash to 'find'."
Asked if this announcement had anything to do with the company's much ballyhooed roll-out of its new product, 'Heineken Chocolate™', Dr. van Shmeer demurred, saying, "It's an absolute coincidence that more than half of the rush shipments to New Orleans consist of the new brew", adding, somewhat sheepishly, "but from a practical standpoint, these things have to be test-marketed somehow. If 'Heineken Chocolate' just happens to get looted-out first, well, then we'll know we have a winner".
Local residents are, "keeping our fingers crossed", according to Heineken Guy (pictured above), who became an instant international celebrity after Katrina, and expressed hopes that Tropical Storm Hurricane Dolly, "get off its ass and do sumpin' quick."
Heineken Guy, who recently announced his candidacy for Mayor of New Orleans, added that, "Mother Nature need to 'stir-up some s**t' and help put New Orleans back on the map. We dyin' down here".
Fox 12 News
UPDATED: 10:31 pm PDT July 19, 2008
CANBY, Ore. -- A rash of accidents led emergency workers to warn parents Saturday about children falling from windows. In less than two weeks, five children in the Portland-Salem area have fallen out of second-story windows.
Three of those incidents happened in Canby. Fire officials said 2-year-old Ramone Gonzales fell head-first onto a concrete patio after he pushed too hard on a window screen of his family's Canby home. Family members called 911 and then began to drive him to a hospital in a panic. (Ed. Note: My first car was a '74 Panic - a real piece of crap - they should have waited for the ambulance)
In another Canby incident, 3-year-old Ryan French also pushed too hard on a window screen and fell from the home's second-floor window. "It's just a freak thing; nobody's fault," said Steve French, Ryan's father. (Well, thanks for that unbiased opinion, Mr. Father of the Year. I guess you didn't get the memo about the other kids down the block taking "the plunge"?)
"Ryan wasn't doing anything he wasn't supposed to be doing, (other than attempting to commit babycide), (he was) just curious." Steve French said his son was watching landscapers in his back yard. A chair broke the boy's fall.
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Well, thank god a chair broke his fall instead of, say, a rock, or a garden rake, or a red-hot freaking Bar-B-Que! Sheesh! I don't even like babies --- just the sight of them makes me want to hit them with a stick --- but even they deserve a little more parental 'maintenance' than is being shown around here lately.
Not too much, though. Those "uber parent" types make me think bad thoughts and want to do bad things. I'll just leave it at that.
And in all fairness, the way the newer window screens are attached to the frames is just an accident waiting to happen. Especially with little Demons from Hell! darling babies around. Even our cat has gotten out of our bedroom window. Twice. Then I figured out how to fix it. If any of you guys want a slightly used set of Lawn Darts®, they're yours*. I can't have them anymore. The vet bills for the cat are killing me.
Oh, and the headline? I just wanted to be the first to blame this on Teh Warmeenz™. You know somebody else is going to, if they haven't already. And if the government ever gets ahold of this? They'll probably outlaw two-story houses in order to prevent this from ever happening again.
*(While supplies last. Not suitable for children under 6-mos, or really retarded adults.)
As Whitman puts it: "The Automotive X-Prize was established to promote research for technological advances into fuel efficiency of consumer vehicles in order to reduce carbon-renewable fossil consumption, while clamping the
emanations from the global warming greenhouse gas footprint in the sustainable atmosphere, and stuff."
Strict guidelines have been set out to govern the competition. Some of these include:
• Capacity: 4 or more passengers (95th percentile adult male) and 10 cubic feet of useful cargo space
• Wheels: 4 or more wheels
• Performance: 0-60 mph acceleration in less than 12 seconds, minimum top speed 100 mph, minimum range 200 miles
Whitman chuckles at the capacity requirements, saying, "Heck, I can easily meet those and still have enough room left in the trunk to fit my bass player and drummer, along with all their gear! Of course, The Hoglettes will still be riding up front with me".
When questioned about how he plans to meet the minimum 100 mpge requirement to win the prize, Whitman says, "Electronics mostly. It all started with an idea my grandfather had back in WW II. He was always trying to improve things and times were tough back then like they are today, what with the American people, and the economy and stuff, you know?"
He continues, somberly, "It wasn't till he was on his deathbed that Grandpa shared his secret with me when he motioned me over to his bed, and he weakly tapped the wristwatch that his grandfather had given to him in WW I, and when he looked back at me and nodded, well, I knew what I had to do.
"After that he... well, he sold me that watch. I remember because I paid him with a bad check".
Whitman says that he's currently seeking sponsorship money for the project, and hopes to soon land a large donor/partner, "Like, say, a big radio station or something".
In the meantime, he says, "The best way to help sponsor the project now is at a grassroots level by buying my new CD at CDBaby.com where you can also get the whole album as an Environmentally Friendly MP3 Download for only $5.00".